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By Eli Graft
Every single person has been impacted by COVID-19 in some way. Now, I know what you may be thinking after reading that first sentence. You are about to read yet another person’s take on the disease that has dominated the attention of nearly every aspect of this past year. However, I only want to share my experience as a college student during this time. Having COVID-19 is stressful, anxiety-inducing, and downright scary. Many of my peers both in college at UofL and back home in Northern Kentucky had managed to avoid the ominous disease as the worst part of the pandemic raged across the world. February through August, I had yet to see coronavirus truly impact the student population. Nonetheless, I was isolated for this period of time. I would gather bits and pieces of news as we learned more and more about how the virus worked and I would regularly watch the White House briefings updating the nation on the situation. It was pretty early on that scientists determined that those most susceptible to COVID-19 were way out of my age range, and that gave me solace. Knowing that even if I developed the condition, I would likely recover quickly was a hopeful assurance that I could live without fear of a COVID-related death. In this way, at least some the uncertainty was relieved.
Even so, I was keenly aware that it was not just myself I had to think about, but the entire body of my community and even my own family. This awareness became a daily reminder that I had a responsibility to keep this virus from spreading like wildfire and reaching those that are most vulnerable. I washed my hands so many times a day, my mother would be exceptionally proud. I wore a mask in any public setting regardless of mask mandating or not. I maintained social distancing measures and steered clear of large gatherings. Even working as a pharmacy technician during the summer, I would take extra precaution when dealing with all the customers walking into the store, with that awareness held at the forefront of my decision-making. I successfully managed to avoid many of the problems that others, in our state, nation, and world, were surely struggling with.
My guard was up during the entire process since the initial lockdowns. I was confident in my abilities to continue to do my civic duty and aid in public health measures. When I was presented with an opportunity to attend a yearly McConnell scholarship retreat, I was elated that the program had decided to make the necessary adjustments to hold the event during the pandemic. Something that had been largely withheld from me during this time was social interaction, especially with the people I had spent the majority of my college career with. I was looking forward to some time with my friends during one of the most tumultuous years I have ever lived through. It was a ray of light in an otherwise bleak outlook on the future. I accepted the offer to attend quickly, as I had yet to miss a Scholar Retreat.
The Retreat went by without any hitches. Even with the director of the program, esteemed Dr. Gary Gregg, attending virtually, it was an event that I wouldn’t have missed for the world. I returned to Louisville the day the retreat was over and immediately began the process of moving from my previous place to my new house in Old Louisville. I enlisted the help of my girlfriend, several of my housemates, and some of my best friends as we worked to move all my things to my new digs. It wasn’t until the day after I settled in that I began to notice aching pains all over my body. I woke up with stomach cramps that had me doubled over in pain, a splitting headache, and a sore throat. I didn’t want to believe the worst. The disease that I worked so hard to avert is now my reality. I immediately texted all my friends, got tested, and sure enough: a positive result.
Slowly but surely, I began to notice worsening effects on my mind and body. So much so, I ended up calling my mom in tears. I was basically left to deal with this on my own amidst fear from my peers that they may contract what I had, and rightfully so. It became unbearable for me to even take care of myself in my lethargic and foggy state. Some of my closest friends brought me meals at times, but truly, I was alone. In between fits of shortness of breath, I would obsessively scroll past headlines on post-COVID complication scares and other panic-inducing news to the point where I could no longer keep my head on straight. My mom graciously offered to come pick me up and take care of me during that time. I have never been closer with my mom than after spending nearly two weeks under her care.
The semester began during my second week of isolation and I was already working myself into a fit of anxiety. I was particularly worried that this would put me behind and I may never be able to catch back up. Months later, I see now that it was the fear of the unknown that kept me in a “COVID trap.” I endlessly surfed CDC and WHO news bulletins to read conjectures and theories about the disease and it held me back from doing my own recovery and rehabilitation. Never before had I experienced anxiety of that level. With time and focus, I started the process of healing my mind from this experience. I was broken down in every sense, and only through mindfulness was I able to regain my sense of self. I cannot let uncertainty take me to that place again. What I can control is how much I let those unknowns affect me and my life goals. This was a long time coming, and I know I have much more work ahead of me, but acknowledgment that I cannot predict the future or control the bigger picture is one step towards fulfillment in my self-discovery journey.
To those still struggling to find their motivation and self-identity in this time of uncertainty, I hope that you will read my thoughts, and engage yourself in an internal dialogue. Ask yourself what you can be doing to create the life you want to live. What is important to you and why? Who do I want to become? Is my thought process helping or harming me? Regardless of where you are today, there is always room for improvement. Take the time to truly immerse yourself in questions to support building a sense of self that no one and nothing can take away. Only then will you go courageously into the future.
Eli Graft is a McConnell Scholar in the class of 2021. He is studying business and political science at the University of Louisville.