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To
all the things that didn’t work out the way I wanted them to…
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| Erica Gaither ('19) |
I am not exaggerating when I say that the world has tested
me this year. I mean at times it was as if I had been thrown down just to be
stomped all over. For the first time in my life, I was hit with real rejection.
The kind of rejection that has you look in the mirror and question everything
that you know about yourself. In friendships, in relationships, in everyday
little things- you name it, I was failing. It wasn’t until rejection coursed
through the one area of my life I always thought would be safe- my education-
that I had my look up at the sky and beg “why” moment. There are no words to
describe the hurt of spending months filling out applications for opportunities
that you’ve been told for years you’d be perfect for just to get a "thanks, but
no thanks email." There are no words to describe pouring your all into people
just to have them say no thanks and walk away. I spent a absurd amount of time
tearing myself down, wondering why I wasn’t good enough and what I could have
possibly done differently.
Yes, I’ve had bad days. And yes, I have insecurities.
But, this was different. I distinctly remember lying in bed, tears streaming
down my face, begging a friend to tell me what to do, because I felt like I had
been beaten to the bottom. In that moment, my friend looked at me and said “well
now you have no choice but to build yourself back up”. So, that’s exactly what
I did. I began with my outlook, and the way I was framing all that had been
seemingly falling down around me. Those people, and those opportunities just
weren’t meant for me- the answer was as clear and simple as that. I started
looking at my rejections as a chance for something better to come along. I tore
myself down for months, but in the process of building myself back up, I saw my
worth. I realized it’s never a matter of me not being good enough. I am enough,
and the right people and the right opportunities for me will recognize that. It
almost sounds crazy to say, but I am so thankful for all the things that
haven’t worked out for me this year. I can truly say that I’m happy with the
people I’m surrounded by and the things that I’m investing my time into now. As
I prepare to head out into the “real world” in about sixth months, this was a
lesson I so desperately needed. As hard as it was in the moment, I built myself
back up. And, I’m confident now that in those times it feels like everything is
falling down around me, or I’m questioning who I am, I’ll be able to do it again.
Erica Gaither, of Princeton, Ky., is a member of the McConnell Scholar Class of 2019. She studies criminal justice, political science, and peace, justice, and conflict transformation at the University of Louisville.