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By Noah Tillery
New Things tend to make you remember what you loved about old things. That really is all that needs to be said about my transition from the one-stoplight 'city' of McKee to the bright-lights of Lousiville.
I have been blessed by my time in Louisville, really; I’ve met great new people and made great new friends; I’ve been introduced to new opportunities and experiences that I know I would never have been otherwise; I’ve gotten a great start to my education. But there are a few things that opportunity, friends, and new things in general cannot replace, and those are the things I struggle with most.
Opportunities are a wonderful thing—that goes without saying—but there are downsides to them as well. A constant barrage of opportunities brings about a constant barrage of decisions to be made, which in turn brings about a barrage of uncertainties. It’s a ridiculous thing to complain about, I know; how could anyone be foolish enough to complain about too many opportunities, while there are hundreds of others who would love to be in their position? And yet that is part of the downside. Being faced with too many options and choices—for me, at least—makes it impossible to feel confident in nearly any decision I make. There is the constant pressure to be one hundred percent sure in what I’m doing, as I understand that I am taking the place of someone who would be one hundred percent sure, and probably be doing it better, at that. So while I am forever grateful about what my time here has given me so far, I can’t help but to feel a bit overwhelmed and a bit of longing for when I knew what I was doing and why I was doing it.
Louisville has also introduced me to new groups of people, and from those I have made many good friends. This really is a plus—it has made this very jolting transition much easier, as I know many people whose experiences have been very similar to mine. I know that I could call many if not all of these people and have their help whenever I need it. I can’t be thankful enough for them and the support they have given me. And yet, now more than ever, I find myself wanting to be alone, without the company of anyone. But naturally, given the amount of people that are constantly around, it has become harder and harder to find that much-desired solitude. Again, it sounds like an odd thing to complain about, but I grew up in a place that no matter where I was or how many people were around, I knew I could always retreat to a certain few places where I knew I’d be alone.
I miss that solitude immensely. It is something that I believe to be vital in developing who one wishes to become. While in the constant presence of someone else, our thoughts will always be influenced by how we think they will be perceived. It makes us become complacent in the thoughts of those around us, too worried to say what we believe because we never had the time to think through them ourselves. Being stripped of the solitude that New Zion brought me has been something extremely difficult to deal with, and something that I can never wait to return to.
But of course, anything new will always be jolting. I knew that things would be different from what I am used to, and I knew that it would take a long amount of time to get used to those changes. But while I am truly grateful for what my time at Louisville has brought me so far, I can’t help but to feel a bit of longing for what I know best: the simplicity of home.
Noah Tillery is a McConnell Scholar in the Class of 2023. He is studying political science, history, and religious studies at the University of Louisville.