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By George Nalbandian
Chet Masterson: Good evening, America, my name is Chet Masterson and I’ve got quite the story for you tonight. It seems that world-renowned playwright George Nalbandian was a fraud all along. We have Cornelius Bandersnatch at the scene of his home in London right now. Cornelius, what’s it looking like over there?
Cornelius: Thank you, Chet. Hundreds of frustrated Shakespeareans are here after the news that Nalbandian may have plagiarized William Shakespeare in his opus King Jasper. As you know, a folio that belonged to John Milton was recently discovered and, in the final pages, was a rough draft for a play titled “The Tragedy of Jasperius.” In his annotations, Milton evidently thought it was Shakespeare’s finest work. Protesters had this to say.
What do you think about today’s news about George Nalbandian?
Protester 1: You know, it’s actually heartbreaking to me because, well, I saw King Jasper fifteen times. It changed my life. It was amazing. I can’t believe he didn’t write it (She fights back tears)...I just...It’s been hard.
Protester 2: I say we break into his house and find out who really wrote King Jasper!
Cornelius: As you can see, there were a wide range of emotional responses to the news, especially given the critical praise awarded to King Jasper. Critics really love this play, Chet, and a lot of them are not happy that they had to print retractions given the allegations of plagiarism. Even Patrick Stewart weighed in on the controversy.
Patrick Stewart: It brings me great honor to know that John Milton thought King Jasper was the bard’s finest creation, but it brings me great shame to know that Nalbandian thought he could steal his work and get away with it...Kenneth and I are in awe. I don’t know how Nalbandian could stand on the stage and give his Tony acceptance speech while keeping a straight face. Again, I’m in absolute awe.
Cornelius: Renowned Shakespeare scholars also weighed in. Some were happy to get the last laugh against what they thought was a “poor imitation,” but other responses were bittersweet.
Scholar 1: I always knew Nalbandian was merely an imitation, but this? This isn’t the ending to this saga that I wanted. The fact that Shakespeare could have written something as poor as King Jasper... better yet, the fact that John Milton thought it was Shakespeare’s best work? What? I’m just confused. Better than Lear? Better than Hamlet? I’ve heard a lot of stupid contrarian Shakespeare takes, but saying King Jasper is Shakespeare’s finest work has to be the stupidest.
Scholar 2: You know, it is funny because I always thought the resemblance to Shakespeare’s work was uncanny. Nalbandian’s placement of elisions, his mastery of the verse...If you put the play in front of me without telling me the poet, I would’ve said it was Shakespeare. Funny how it worked out in the end.
Cornelius: We reached out to Nalbandian for comment, but it seems that he has fled the country. Back to you Chet.
Chet: Thank you Cornelius. Up next we have a report on a fifty foot crocodile terrorizing the streets of New York City. We’ll be right back.
George Nalbandian is a McConnell Scholar in the Class of 2021. He is studying political science and English at the University of Louisville.
George Nalbandian is a McConnell Scholar in the Class of 2021. He is studying political science and English at the University of Louisville.