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| Victoria Allen Class of 2016 |
As a young woman, I’ve noticed a strange and disturbing
pattern of speech from myself, my peers, and women that I look up to. Why is it that more often than not when we
assert ourselves, the tail end comes out as an apology? Or a question? Or an immediate attempt to double down on an
idea that we were set to propose but decided last minute that we wouldn’t dare
broadcast the fact that we were thinking cognizant thoughts. You know exactly what I’m talking about…don’t
you? I mean….I thought it was, you know,
a good point. I just thought I’d make
light of it…my mistake.
There has been a significant amount of scholarship and
science on this issue, however I’ve chosen not to engage with any of it, and to
use purely anecdotal research. Women have a lower threshold for what is seen as
unacceptable and unfeminine behavior.
Whether we’re concerned about offending, stamping on feelings, or
stepping out of line, often we are the ones who undercut ourselves. Why would your boss need to shoot you down
for a raise if you come in with your eyes lowered and ready to accept defeat
before you’ve even asked? How can you be
an effective contributor to a group if every time you posit an idea you qualify
it with, “I just had this silly thought,” or “this could be a good idea?”
As someone who has struggled and is still struggling to be
as assertive as I’d like I have to disagree.
I just went through the process of applying and interviewing for law
schools, and being cute and timid really doesn’t cut it, as with just about any
career. For any young woman looking at a
career ask yourself this: would you want a doctor who was noncommittal about
what to prescribe you? Would you go to a
mechanic who was afraid that after all of their training they were somehow
going to mess up your car that they tip toed around putting in a new
transmission?
At a time when we are seeing more and more women in the
media who are unapologetically standing up and providing their expertise and
insight, on the ground level it feels like the opposite is occurring. Think about your interactions, how many times
have you qualified with, “Can I ask a stupid question,” or raising your voice an
octave before asking your waiter for more water when they’ve forgotten your
last three requests, and you want to assert yourself…but not too much?
These are the crutches that we as women use to handicap
ourselves. We do it willingly. This isn’t something my male family members
sat me down to discuss when I was going through puberty. There was no unit on this in high school home
economics called “How to Diminish Your Validity and Right to Exist 101.” So why do we do it? I’m not talking about the kind of “sorry” or
“apology” that occurs when I passive aggressively text my roommate, “So sorry
that my food was such an obstruction in the fridge that you had to eat it all
to clear space,” or when a stranger almost mows you down on the sidewalk and
you mutter apologies for existing and taking up space. There is definitely a proponent to the female
sorry that is an act of revolution, the exhale of frustration that hopes that
by apologizing they’ll illicit an apology in return.
I am talking about the kind of sorry that we say when we
don’t think our point deserves to be heard, or there’s no way we deserve that
position, or to get into that program.
This past weekend I had the opportunity to interview some of the
brightest high school seniors in the Commonwealth of Kentucky for a scholarship
here at the University of Louisville.
Outside of the group interviews, I had the opportunity to meet the
majority of the students one on one for more casual conversation. Although I had read their bios and resumes, I
always asked them to tell me about themselves.
Baring the usual nerves of chatting with someone you know is evaluating
you, it was amazing to me how the young women in particular quickly wrote off
their accomplishments, and worse, absolutely would not accept a
compliment. One young women could have
been a Nobel Prize winning astronaut who spoke seven dead languages and she
still wouldn’t have accepted the compliment that she was “impressive.”
I didn’t think too much of it until I was alone and I
realized what I found so disturbing about the encounter: I was watching a
reflection of my own behavior. I thought
about when was the last time I accepted a compliment. Not just gotten one, but stood there, looked
the complimenter in the eye, didn’t shrink, and accepted it without some sort
of self-effacement. I honestly can’t
remember. I’m not talking about bragging
or indecorous, but the art of accepting a compliment is a vital component for
educating young women to achieve success.
How can we push them to succeed and to always aim higher when they don’t
even know how to accept gratitude and recognition?
When I came to college I figured out a pretty quick trick to
side step uncomfortable praise and attention; I always responded with a quick
joke, usually about my signature out of control hair. While it’s earned me a few chuckles, there is
a more serious issue at hand. Not only
do I not accept compliments, but I don’t even know how. Which brings me back to the concept of saying
“sorry.” My response to recognition of
my success is to feel embarrassed, as if it’s a burden for the person
congratulating me to recognize it. While
on the inside I might be doing the “Bill Clinton,” outwardly I’m wilting like a
flower.
There’s no simple solution.
I didn’t just wake up a few months ago, with the word sorry out of my
vocabulary, but it’s a start. Think
about every time that you qualify your success, belittle your own ideas out
loud, and shrink from praise. Knowing
that you are often the obstacle in the way makes the entire ordeal easier and
more difficult at the same time. How do
you defeat your barrier to greater success if that barrier is you, and what’s
worse, is that it’s you apologizing for mistakes you haven’t even made
yet. Isn’t that the most absurd thing
you’ve ever heard? Conceptualize that:
you are literally apologizing for mistakes and missteps that do not exist.
As I am nearing the end of my undergraduate career, these
insecurities have been weighing on me.
How can I expect to be a professional if I can’t accept external
validation? How can I internally
validate? I don’t have the solution to
this problem, but I’ve made it a focus as I transition to my next journey:
tackling a legal education at a T-14 institution.
Victoria Allen is a senior McConnell Scholar at the University of Louisville. She is a political science and history major.
Victoria Allen is a senior McConnell Scholar at the University of Louisville. She is a political science and history major.