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| Leah Hazelwood ('22) |
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March 16th,
2018, two things came in the mail with my name on them.
One, my
passport, very important.
Two, a letter
from the McConnell Center, more important.
This letter
would determine my future, where I would spend the next four years of my life,
the quality of education I would receive, the people I would meet, everything.
I was beyond excited when I opened my letter and saw the words “Dear Ms.
Hazelwood…it is my pleasure to offer you a position”, I cried, I screamed, my
mom even recoded video to remember the moment, but I was immediately filled
with this sense of dread. Not because I feared the future but because I had a
feeling this letter had my name on it by accident. Was I intelligent? Yes. Was
I “McConnell” intelligent? No. Was I talented? Somewhat. Was I “McConnell”
talented? Definitely not. All these terrible questions swirled around in my
head about how in the world I received a scholarship as great as this one. I
had loved the program ever since I took my shadow tour in October, I knew it
was perfect for me, I worked on my essay and resume day and night, and when
time came for interviews, I became my best self, but somehow, I still did not
believe that I was what this program
actually wanted.
Welcome to the
wonderful world of Imposter Syndrome.
Imposter
Syndrome is a pattern in which a person doubts their accomplishments and has a
persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud" despite
evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon attribute
their success to luck or being due to tricking others into thinking they are
more intelligent or apt than they perceive themselves to be. They do not
believe they deserve all they have achieved. Sounds familiar right, that was
me. Quite frankly, this was not on brand for me, I was supposed to be
confident! I had wonderful role models and experiences that should have made me
confident individual. My mother raised a young woman who was to be, among many
other traits, confident. And I wasn’t.
So why did I
feel this way, the simple answer is, I do not know. Sitting in the Center and
hearing about the amazing organizations, activities, and trips my fellow
scholars are involved in or going on can be intimidating… but I am doing those
things too. I am surrounded by such brilliant individuals, but I am brilliant
too. More than anything though, I am proud to be associated with such an
amazing program full of such wonderful, intelligent, talented, and all the
other great adjectives people.
To quote Ralph
Waldo Emerson, “In my walks, every man I meet is my superior in some way, and
in that I learn from him” and trust me, I have learned from everyone in this
program and on this campus more than I could ever imagine. I know I am not a
fraud or an imposter, but I am very lucky and maybe I don’t deserve what I
have, but I am also more than competent, intelligent, and apt and didn’t have
to “trick” anyone to be here.
So, to whoever
is reading this you are: capable, apt, and fit to do anything. You may feel like
an imposter or that you’re not good enough, but, I guarantee those emotions are
unwarranted.
Leah Hazelwood, of Lebanon, Ky., is first-year McConnell Scholar at the University of Louisville where she plans to study political science, race/gender studies and Spanish.