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When self-love is often discussed in the mainstream media or culture, it is often seen as bathtubs by candlelight, special dates you take yourself on, treating yourself, or sips of tea in front of rainy window sills with face masks on. Unfortunately, it is not that simple. This overt romanticizing of self-love has been somewhat harmful to younger women and girls, because it is not rooted in reality. Self-love cannot be found in a cup of tea, or any material object, as the wellness community may insinuate. Before self-love becomes a liberating force, it is first a heavy burden. The pinnacle of self-love is not endless ecstasy, as many wellness companies may lead us to believe. Instead, it is a heartbreaking process of undoing the life your unloved self built, brick by unworthy brick, then rebuilding with meaning and intent. Self-love has to be won and this process is very often painful, it is a new birth of self. It is real and strenuous, not fun.
To grow love within yourself, one must first look squarely at things that have kept them from loving themselves. These things are not fun to open up, they are the worst of you: a person’s worst perceptions, most unloving thoughts, self-loathing, and likely the very reason self-love was such a struggle in the beginning. Many people are afraid to be real, to strip away all of the protections, projections, egos, and false identities, because they are unhappy with the person behind all these masks. But the only way to grow is to go through it, not around it.
Self-love can also make people look at previous experiences in their life in a new way, sometimes even experiencing anger because they now see all that was allowed to happen that was not deserved. One can see what they allowed and how people took advantage of them when they did not know better. Part of self-love is knowing what you deserve and how you should be treated by others, but the less fun part of self-love is looking at the real ways that you hold yourself back and honestly try and improve the worst of you. Often, in my experience, there is even more anger or disappointment when you see your past with new eyes that don’t love the reality of who we were in the past because your past is where the unworthy you dwelled. The anger is hard to let go of, there’s the rage at anyone who treated you poorly when you didn’t know to ask for better treatment, at yourself for what you’ve allowed. Then, often there’s some grief for lost time and many feel loneliness and isolation that accompanies the growth of self. The hardest adjustments are the new boundary lines, the new range of the words yes and no, the opening of eyes that would rather be shut, and the terrifying realization that love isn’t synonymous with joy. It’s synonymous with growth, and growth isn’t bliss. It never was and, unfortunately, it seems like almost every human has to experience these growing pains.
My steps to Self-Care
- If it feels wrong, don’t do it
- Say exactly what you mean, words are powerful and transformative
- Don’t be a people pleaser, you are on your own path
- Trust yourself, no matter how difficult this can be
- Never speak bad about yourself
- Never give up, you can stop and restart whenever you want
- Let go of what you can’t control
- Don’t be afraid to say yes/no, embrace and trust your instincts
- Stay away from negativity, gossip, or rumors
- “LOVE is the most durable power in the world.” - MLK Jr. Please, be kind.