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| Bridget Kim ('19) |
“This book follows in no
one’s train exactly; by writing it I did not mean either to serve or to combat
any party; I set about to see, not differently, but farther than parties; and
while they are concerned with the next day, I wanted to think about the
future.”
Alexis de Tocqueville, Democracy in America
My original intent upon
writing the following introduction was to record a robust journal reflecting on
every detail of my last year as a McConnell Scholar, for the sake of posterity
and personal hems and haws and giggles. But full months slide past without
notice, and the world tugs for our attention, and I left this introduction to
simmer. My hope is that releasing it into the ether will inspire some
accountability, and that it will serve as a self-reminder that not all things
that you leave have to be left forever.
Tuesday,
August 7th, 2018
As I packed my suitcase for the last McRetreat I will
ever attend as a scholar, my heart was surprisingly clear and my head was
understandably scrambled. Chug-a-lug-a-lug went the train of thoughts
traversing through my mind: “okay I need this and this and this, pack that just
in case, don’t need to bring these, will I regret not stuffing this in, will I
like the incoming freshmen, will my relationships with friends I’ve made over
the course of three years have changed over the course of this summer…” and so
on and on and onward. And yet, my heart, that holder of heaven knows how many
pulsating worries, was a deep blue. A calm quite nuanced in its flavor and
texture, a state of serenity equivocal in its cause and impact. With the
knowledge that this Retreat at Pine Mountain would be the ending of something
so good, why did I feel so little sorrow?
I think I did (do) feel fulfilled. Whole, not in a
stagnant way, but in satisfactory way. Driving down through this paradisal
state, through the grass green wild of Kentucky-fried Kentucky, love churned
through my chest. This is not just my home; it is Home with a capital “H.” It
is not a place to run from, and for some perhaps it is not necessarily a place
to run to, but in the eyes of this 21-year-old first generation Kentuckian, it
will always be a place to run for. And so, I feel lucky. So grateful that it
is, as of this moment, challenging to feel anything save appreciation for where
I come from and who helped me get where I am now.
I embark on the journey of this narrative documentation
for two reasons: to show the staff and friends of the McConnell Center just how
fantastically they have impacted my life, and to show the future scholars a
glimpse of the magic they will soon get to experience. I have hope that whoever
flips through these sentimental pages, scholars of the past, the present, and
the future alike, they may find a tidbit here or a tadbit there that captures a
part of their experience with the McConnell Scholars Program.
This is also a semi-selfish project.
Colonel Jeremiah Jette spoke to the junior and senior
scholars this afternoon about the importance of leaving a legacy. Rain or
shine, good or bad, accidental or intentional, we will make a mark. We will
change each other and change those younger, and we must be prepared for that. I
have never been very mindful about that responsibility; I have often made
decisions based on the effect they will have on me, myself, and I. These first
two days at retreat have reminded me of the duty I have to help others
(scholars and non-scholars alike) in their journey through this great big thing
we call Life. Today in particular finally helped me realize that helping myself
and helping others are not mutually exclusive. So how do I build a legacy?
Well, the info and advice session for the seniors’ recent
trip to China was a start (hopefully the juniors squeezed something useful from
it). This journal of my fourth and final year as a McConnell Scholar and all
the reflections and turmoil and sap that comes with that status is also an
attempt. I want to show the details: a small interaction with another scholar
that acted as a catalyst to a thousand other thoughts, a ridiculous joke that
someone in the office told, a profound piece of advice from a guest speaker.
The emotional fluctuations of a girl figuring out the next move leading to the
rest of her life. Snapshots of a time momentarily shared.
It has been an absolute delight sharing this time and
place with these people. Yesterday, smushing into the warmest hug from Ms.
Sherry Allen on the porch of Pine Mountain State Resort Park after being away
for essentially the whole summer, I thought, “can you miss something before
it’s even gone?” I’m thinking about how to say goodbye to things I’d never
think to miss before. Things like eating quintessential Kentucky state park
food at lunch with the freshmen for the very first time, hearing my friend Dr.
Gary Gregg give his opening overview of the program and listening to
presentations about China and Oxford and the Young Leaders Academy. Feeling in
awe of the amount of knowledge that Dr. John Kleber and Mr. Larry Cox have and
love to share about the history of Kentucky. I don’t really miss these things
yet because they just happened, but I can already feel my innards preparing to
receive the impending sadness.
For
now, I am so fully present and fully savoring the hilarity of this retreat. The
power keeps flickering during presentations? A test of concentration! The fire
alarm goes off after we order dinner but before we get our food? A fun van ride
with Mr. Cox to the local McDonalds while the firefighters in a vehicle aptly
named “Dragonslayer” check out the scene! Pool closes at nine but no one comes
to shoo us away? Stay until you’ve been bitten to death by mosquitoes! Caterpillar
Crawl up a mountain while a torrent of rain slams you? Huddle under sparse tree
cover with your friends and feel all the more accomplished as the clouds part
when you reach the peak. You want to go to sleep but also make the most of the
first night of your last retreat? Sit by the basketball court with your friends
until an ungodly hour because you’re learning that sometimes, friends are more
important than rest.
Bridget Kim, of Morehead, Ky., is a member of the McConnell Scholar Class of 2019. She studies political science and Theatre Arts at the University of Louisville.