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By Emily Davis
I am in the process of applying for economics PhD Programs right now. This past summer, I spent a lot of time researching the schools I am applying to. I wanted to have my list finalized by the beginning of the semester so I could be ready to tackle applications as soon as possible.
One night this summer, I was sitting in my apartment researching schools and writing a list of potentials. I got about fifteen schools on the list, and I had a realization that only one school on that list was less than a full day’s drive from home. I felt my stomach get cold. I think what I was feeling was genuine fear. I remember these thoughts crossing my mind: Is my ambition going to destroy me? Are my desire for knowledge and my intellectual curiosity going to lead me away from who and what I love?
This fear was brought about by gratitude. I was afraid of being geographically separated from the people and places who have made my (almost) twenty-two years so wonderful, especially the last three years I’ve been in college.
College has been so good to me. In college, I have experienced true friendship. The love and the laughs and the tears I’ve shared with my friends have been more than enough to make up for the times I missed out on before college, and I am certain they will keep on giving after college too.
College has given me mentors who are far wiser than me to walk alongside me. They have brought me back to center when the chaos of life causes me to spiral.
College has given me so much intellectual freedom and the opportunity to be truly challenged. I am so lucky that I have found something I love so much that the idea of studying it for the rest of my life is exciting!
That night in my apartment, I realized just how great my life, especially the past three years of it, has been, and the thought of it ending scared and saddened me. For the last month or so of summer, I was hyper-aware of all the “last moments” I would have this school year. I could make myself cry if I dwelled on them.
I knew that if I didn’t address this, I would let my fear and sadness ruin all the sweet moments waiting for me this year. So, I had a little talk with myself before the beginning of the semester. I wanted to share those insights in this post, because I know I need to hear it again myself.
The first insight came from realizing that my fear stemmed from the gratitude I had for my life and the people in it. I think this points to something even deeper too. Love is what allows pain and hurt to exist. The reason any ending is painful is because you loved what has ended. Otherwise, why would you care? The only way to save yourself from pain is to save yourself from love too. What I keep telling myself is that I would rather have a broken heart than a hard heart. It seems a much sadder existence to feel no pain but never have loved than to have your heart broken but have loved deeply. I have to tell myself not to harden my heart and pull away, but to put my heart on the line in every moment. Because to experience deep love—the kind you feel in your soul—you have to risk great heartbreak. But I know that love, and a life free of pain is not worth never feeling it again.
I want to channel this heartbreak for last moments into love for every moment I still have. My future is so uncertain. I have no idea where I will end up. I may still be around with how crazy everything has been so far.
In the uncertainty, I’ve offered myself one more insight, because I’m usually not sympathetic to advice that tells me to follow my heart. And that is that to let something so uncertain impact your decision for how to live in the present is irrational! If I try to plan for any possible future, there is a great chance all the effort I put into planning will be moot. So why would I waste moments now for a future so unlikely?
This has come as more of an afterthought—something I’ve told myself because I am not yet comfortable acknowledging our hearts can tell us the truth, and they often do. The rational life that seeks to minimize suffering is likely not the most meaningful. So, I’m going to risk a broken heart by giving this year and the people I love all I have. Because I’d rather have a broken heart than a hard heart.
Emily Davis is a McConnell Scholar in the class of 2022. She is studying business economics and mathematics at the University of Louisville.