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Removing yourself from your own problems, your own time obligations, and your own intimate thoughts to empathize with someone takes a great deal of effort. It goes against our innate human nature, which is to simply mind our own business. This is neither a virtue nor a vice, but just the reality of the flow of our brain patterns. I believe this becomes a virtue or vice when we become aware of the lack of substance behind our conversations. In this case, we can make the decision to either continue our conversations mindlessly or work to enhance the nature of our inquiries towards others.
As an empath who has felt deeply and craved meaningful conversations my whole life, I am actively aware of this disconnect between person-to-person when it comes to conversing in a manner of “checking-in”. I don’t feel a complete genuinity when people ask how one is doing–it almost seems like a rush to check-off a box of “I checked-in with them today”. As humans, we have become so accustomed to achieving so much in a little amount of time, that I believe we approach conversations that way. We lend towards having a huge quantity of conversations a day over having a quaint amount of high quality conversations. Asking how everyone is doing is fine, but spending the same amount of time to intentionally check-in with someone who you know has been struggling is even better.
This made me ponder how we can make that switch from quantity to quality, and form relationships with each other that are emotionally mature and intellectually expansive–an adequate usage of our socially-wired brains. For example building relationships that are formed on aspirational inquiries over simple small talk throughout the day. Throughout humanity, questions of the unknown were answered through experimentation and experience. I decided to participate in an experiment of my own to determine the answer to my quality-based relationship question. The best way I thought to go about this inquiry, was to target the relationship I have with myself.
As an introvert, initiating a deep inquiry with others is daunting, so I decided to do what I do best in the absence of social confidence–I started to write. Last winter, I journaled intentionally with the goal of developing a more intimate relationship with myself. I figured that this would be an achievable starting point for me before intentionally speaking to other people with more substance. I began to notice that my relationship with myself was growing deeper as I grew more intentional with my conversations to myself. This goal inadvertently showed me that intentional intimacy does deepen relationships.
How is the weather inside of you? How is your heart today? These were the two questions that I alternated reflecting on at the end of my day. I noticed my mind flowing into this imaginative way of describing my feelings–a cancellation of the insufficient “fine” and “okay” answers. I found myself describing my feelings in physical entities and tactiles, such as “my world feels like it’s slowly floating over a sea”, meaning I feel like I’m drifting and at any moment I could fall into an endless arena of troubles. This opened my mind to being more conscious of my mood and actions, making sure that I am not solely drifting through life and accepting a possibility of hardships to just come, but deliberately transporting through it with the solid intention of reaching the other side of my hardships.
After a couple of months of this “check-in” practice and awareness of the depth of my thoughts and feelings, I decided to try it on people that I am fairly close with. The results were beautiful to witness. I asked one person how their heart was that day. I noticed, by the way their body seemed to relax and soften, that they were deeply touched to be asked such a question. They responded with admirable vulnerability and really opened up about their self-deprecating perspective and lack of optimism in their life. After that conversation, they informed me that they are going to start checking in with their heart more by journaling their feelings whenever they get down, as the check-in I had with them made them feel seen, loved, and heard.
I encourage the reader of this blog to intimately check-in with yourself and others. For yourself, it doesn’t have to be 30 minutes of journaling and a 15 minute meditation reflection each night. It can simply be noticing you’re having a hard time, describing it, and being more aware of that feeling the next time it comes up. For others, it doesn’t have to be a direct initiation of a “therapy session”. It can simply be a moment during your day that you are intentionally devoting to see how someone is doing and doing what you can to support them in response. So, dear reader, how is the weather inside of you today?
Anna Williams is a McConnell Scholar in the class of 2025. She is studying biology and political science.